Saturday, May 12, 2007

Compromise

This morning when I got up I could hardly move, and was giving serious though to skipping church.

As I was eating breakfast I remembered I had filled the Vicodin prescription the day before, but hadn't taken any. It felt just...I don't know - wrong, taking narcotics while pregnant. Something about it just didn't feel right. Not to mention I already have two little ones who need constant attention. The last thing I need to do is make myself drowsy with pain meds.

So I decided I would start out small. And what better time to do it than when my husband is here in case it makes me too sleepy or worse, sick. Still feeling hesitant, I cut a pill in half, and swallowed it.

People. Vicodin is my new best friend.

Half an hour later the limp was gone. I could move, and bend, and reach. I could carry things. It was marvelous. I could not shut up about how amazing and wonderful and glorious it was (sorry, Dave!). I was pain-free. The relief was so stupendous, it nearly made me cry. I even allowed myself a smidgen of resentment at the other two doctors for the other two pregnancies, for allowing me to struggle so badly with pain without suggesting anything to relieve it.

I keep forgetting, when I'm no longer pregnant, how depressing it is to live with chronic pain. It becomes almost too much to bear. It's a terrible thing when something as simples as rolling over in bed makes you cry. It's frustrating to get out of bed and not be able to straighten up or put weight on one leg; when going grocery shopping puts you out of commission for three days, or a simple walk at the zoo means you spend the rest of the day on the couch; when you can't lift your kids. Being in constant pain truly saps every bit of goodness from your life. You just feel tired, angry, and depressed.

I still don't think, at this point, I'll be taking it as prescribed (1 whole pill 4 times a day), when half a pill does the job so beautifully. I'll take half on my worst days, and try not to make it routine, since I'm still just a teensy bit skittish about the idea of it.

But finally knowing I have this option? It's plenty. It's more than enough.

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